Reflection

 It’s nice to wake up and feel good about life. Days like these I can breathe deep and enjoy the sun. Speaking of waking up, I don’t think my inner monologue ever stops. Sometimes I’ll wake up by realizing I've been analyzing my dreams or thinking about the week, but I just hadn't opened my eyes yet. It’s a weird moment when my consciousness becomes aware of itself.  Anyways this morning's bright disposition is a long awaited relief in the midst of such tumultuous weather in my mental troposphere.

Lately I've been having a rough time not knowing where I’m going in life and by lately I mean to say existential angst is my middle name.  I have a penchant for reflection, but I tend to fall on the egotistical side that sends me into a spiral of doubt, self-loathing, and 19^th century Russian landscapes. Narcissism can be so delightfully fun at times, but it doesn't give me much direction outside of my own flawed perspective.  

I swear perspective cures a thousand aliments; that and some solid tunes. Right now I’m listening to the sweet smooth sound that is Andrew Belle. Thank you Claudia/NoiseTrade for that one. Anyways I've been able to enjoy the satisfaction of trust rewarded. Despite being oceans, time zones, and country lines away my friends have been amazing in responding to my fog. Some pass on wisdom, others recognition, but all of them solidarity. I am loved.  I can trust. I can share my tangled mess of a brain without fear of being dismissed. And that's lovely, but that can only tide me over until I get back to that cardinal equilibrium.

Yet this morning I work up with relief.  Over the last couple of months I've been ambling at best through Matthew. Last night I ended on this:

²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Thank you Jesus for showing me exactly what I've been running away from this whole time.  Grace.  I don’t know if it’ll ever get past me that I’m not supposed to do this on my own. That’s my human nature trying to redeem itself, wanting to fix itself and everything in its own power, and then when I run into all of those impossible walls I fall in to a heap.

My God pursues me, even when I run away to another country, when I escape to other worlds in books, when I try to fill that emptiness with people.  But no person could ever fill the longing I have to be more. I want to believe I’m stardust; made from the universe and connected to everything.  I want to believe that I can make impact and change the world; change lives. And that I matter. I want to do the things I was designed to do. No one can love like I can love.  I have thoughts that were written just for my brain and ideas that would come to life and pass away in a blink during dreams that help me heal from my past. They’re mine. Egotistical, yes. But I think we are worthy to be celebrated simply because we are alive. We were created in the image of God! He has set eternity in our hearts. He has breathed life into my spirit.

I want to be more.

I want be free.

And I can, but it takes grace to run on water. 

Snapshots

Do you ever have those moments when you realize you're an extra in someone else's (metaphorical) movie? I love them. Usually I'm just walking down the street and I see a quick scene of someone's life as I'm walking by. It pulls me out of my head. The soundtrack switches and the camera pans from me to them. 

Like yesterday I was walking down the street, looking down, trying to avoid dog poop and I see my path is clear for a while so I look up. Then there, coming barreling down the street is a father and his son. They both have massive smiles on their faces, the father's hair blowing from running, and his protective hand behind his son who is pedaling  furiously on his bike that is precariously supported with training wheels. It was just one of those moments, the universal kinds, the ones everyone hopes to have and to give.  Its the type of moment that grows and has roots and you know even if that kid doesn't think about it later, it was something that is creating who he is.

Another one I noticed was when I was in Almeria a couple months back. I was in line waiting to get on the bus to go back to Granada after visiting Cathy and Lindsay and I notice this couple about my age. Usually I tend avert my eyes when I notice couples because the give away sign is them making out (Spain loves its PDA). But no, he just lightly held her elbow, not quite ready for her to go yet. When she got on the bus they were so peaceful. No big show or tearful goodbyes, just a simple happy kiss. Once on the bus, they gazed contentedly at each other through the window. When we started leaving everyone else walked away, but he lingered a little longer. He waved, made a heart shape with his hands, and turned to go. But what I loved was that he couldn't help but to look back. Again its that movie moment, "if they look back they love me!" I know its a silly thing,  one of those tropes that get taken out of proportion yet here it was. He walked some more and then looked back, walked and kept trying to catch that last glance until she was out of sight. I like that happy quiet love.

Eventually the camera focuses back on me, staring at the rolling landscapes, olive trees rising and falling or I'm just walking the same cobblestoned path past the river returning to my apartment, but my thoughts linger. I'm not alone.